Just got home from a spontaneous date with this beautiful girl I never thought would ever be interested in me. I got home at around five-thirty from rehearsal. I literally walked through the door, took off my shoes and my phone buzzed with a text consisting of two words: "Whatcha doin?" When I replied with a concise "About to fix myself some dinner. Why?" She proceeded to ask me out for dinner. Suprisingly, my mom let me go- under the impression we were friends, of course.
We went out to this little diner-type place, where I didn't know anybody, and neither did she. She had pancakes and I had some chicken-sammich thing. Yum. We kind of held hands a little over the table, which was amazingly cute. <3
Anyhow, we sat there talking for forty-five minutes. When the waitress took our plates, I actually ordered pie so we could sit longer. Three Cokes later, we left, giggling and smiling and just happy to be together.
We drove around for awhile, before going to my house and parking in the parking lot next door with the lights out. We sat there for a half-hour, just talking about everything. Finally, when we got to my house, we hugged goodbye. And then we hugged goodbye again. And just when I thought I would let go, I kissed her.
She had this beautiful little smile on her face when I let go, like she had a wonderful secret. I was just about to go into my house, and she kissed me back. I skipped up the steps, and looked back at her in the car, certain that there was never so beautiful a moment as watching her smile at me through the car window.
I've been in a little bit of a cloud this week, simmering on low, while I struggled to deal with the way I've been feeling about this other girl. She's really great- pretty, smart and funny- but I've come to the realization that really, she doesn't care about playing with my heart. I'm a game to her- a yoyo to bounce up and down, a fish to be reeled in and released with my heart yanked halfway out of my chest. No matter how good I am to her- no matter how many presents I give her or ways I show her that I love her, she'll never love me the way I love her. I'll always be her stupid little pet- her puppy dog that will follow her around no matter how many times she beats me.
I'm done following her. I love her. I love her. I love her. But I'm letting go. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep doing this to her. It's not healthy, and it's not sane.
I love her... but I love myself too. I'm worth something in this world- obviously, based on tonight alone, other people care. Other people LIKE ME.
I know it's cliche, but I think right now, I've got to say that Cher says it best. Go refresh your nineties souls.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5xsiKBJGW4
Goodnight beautifuls.
And to the beautiful mixtape, tonight was... breathtaking.
Thank you.
~disasters.bitch~
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