"The Cost Of Hiding" -Joy Miller

She's such a funny little thing
at least that's exactly what she wants you to believe
just like a bird, she's on the wing
she never stops, can't let no grass grow under
that's when she hurts the least
she ain't stood still a moment since the day she knows she died
now she's no longer she because she never even cried
for what she lost-
Guess that's the cost of hiding.

She wears such a lovely disguise
thinks she can hide behind her pretty painted smile
she'll never look you in the eyes
afraid that if she does you'll see right through her and undo her
and then you'll think she's weak
she ain't got close to no one since a time long out of mind
she'll open up to none because she's afraid of what they'll find
beneath the gloss
but that's the cost of hiding.

Why must we act like nothing's wrong when our spirits are in shreds?
And ignore the raging war in our hearts and in our heads?
We close our eyes.
and intellectualize.
We say forgive, forget, move on, 'cause that's what good people do.
Never mind that the wounds inside of you, will be infected soon.
That's just the cost of hiding.

She's such a mighty, mighty, mighty, mighty woman,
since she turned and stared her anger in the face
knocked it down and said enough.
I am through with playing tough.
I was just a little girl...
and it's not alright.
But my restoration's worth the fight.
I must bring this pain into the light...
There will be no more hiding.

Reviews...

Basically, these are some things I've discovered recently and ADORE. :)
Product 1: L'Oreal's HIP cream eyeliner. Amazing. I purchased it in Eggplant(960), and the color is smooth and even, it doesn't irritate my eyes, and it stays put wonderfully. Don't miss this product!!!
Product 2: LUSH Happy Hippie Shower Gel- I actually use this as a shampoo, and it gives me the most shiny, soft hair I've had in a long time... Plus, the smell is awesome- compare to the Each Peach massage bar or Sexy Peel soap. Mmmmmm.
Product 3: Covergirl & Olay Simply Ageless Foundation in Ivory(205). As I might have mentioned previously, I'm quite pale, and I have a rough time finding shades light enough for me that retain coverage. This one does! :) Smooth application, light finish, and I'm told it will reduce fine lines and wrinkles... >.> Okay, I don't need that, but the foundation is nice. :)
Product 4: MARK concealer brush... :) If it has a number, I don't know it. But it's perfect for tight, high pigment shadows.
Er... Okay, so that's actually it. Boring, you say?! Bah!
Til next time, lovelies....
~disasters.bitch~

Standardized Testing

If I ruled the world, there would be no "standardized testing". Actually, there would be no testing. Everything would be intrinsically motivated- learning because we're interested. No reward except that of knowing we did well. And grades would be based on the kindness and community spirit of individuals.
Alas, this is not the world. We are forced to study for finals, AP tests, IB(?) tests, SATs, ACTs, Accuplacers, Math Placement Exams, and that's only the US versions. Why do we as a country place so much value on scores? Credit scores, IQ scores, test scores, game scores- even the number of women we've taken to our beds (which for those of you still wondering, has only been one for me, and she had most of her clothes still on).
Well, I for one, quit. I am through basing my self worth on a bunch of meaningless numbers that have nothing to do with my true person at all. Join me?

Dear Lovelies-

I'm sorry it's been so long. I've been a bit stressed, and a bit out of sorts. I still am, but I'll put it aside long enough to give you all a nice update. As some of you know, AP tests are coming up, which means that Disasters.Bitch is turning blue from studying and whatnot. >.<
Let's see... Prom was last weekend. That was fun... not. I went with a boy, for my mom, and he was... nice, but really distant. I think he realized I wasn't interested.
Hmm. I got a full scholarship to my college, which I'm really excited about. I graduate pretty soon, and I can't wait to get out of this town, and start meeting people.
Love life- what love life? I haven't been seeing anyone, and I don't really have any prospects. Whatever. I'm still waiting on the love of my life. :)
Errrrm.... Tried out cream eyeliner today, which I'm really liking. The one I've got is... H.I.P. in eggplant, which applies really smoothly, and nice and smoky, just the way I like it.
I really don't have much else to say, BUT- if you have any suggestions, or questions or whatnot, let me know!
Love youuuu.
xxdisasters.bitch
PS- Dear Laura, I'd stopped posting because I thought nobody was listening. Thanks for your comment lovey.

New subscriber!!!!! (And throughout the years, grades 4-7.5)

Dearest Darlings-
I just got a new subscriber! I know, this shouldn't be that exciting, except I've only got six(including the newest one), and actually, three of those are only subscribers in name(Mixtape is on hiatus, Firebrand and Ajilla are off being lovebirds and whatever else the two of them do in their lives...) so I feel justified in welcoming her into my life.
Well, my mind, anyways. Just a note, in case it's not clear- I'm not anorexic? It was brought to my attention that that might not be clear from the way I write, but I just want to say- no. When I say I'm fat, I'm quite honestly really, really fat. Just clearing it up. :)

GRADES FOUR THROUGH SEVEN.
These three and a half years really blend together for me. I was homeschooled, so there wasn't official separation between them. There were really only two big things that happened in them:
BIG BITCH EVENT NUMERO UNO:
We moved, from house number three to house number four. In a new state, after fifth grade. I didn't really have friends there.
BIG BITCH EVENT NOMBRE DEUX:
I met my best friend in the whole wide world again.
(She knows who she is. :) )
After we lost track of each other as kids, we met again during this time period, and we've been awesome together ever since.
My angel- thanks for supporting me in almost everything I try, and telling me I'm stupid when I am. I love you. Eps.
That's really about it. Schoolwork. A bunch of fruitless relationships with boys I don't remember. Yeah. That's that period of my life. Sorry!
I'll talk to you soon.
~disasters.bitch~

Post #50

Seems as though that should be somewhat of an accomplishment, doesn't it, fifty posts? It's been about a year since I started this, perhaps a bit more, so that means it equals out to about one post a week, though I know I don't post that often, or on any sort of proper schedule.
On the other hand, it's somewhat disgusting that after all this time I'm further behind where I was to start with.
Here are my accomplishments after fifty posts:
1. I have decided that I am most definately a lesbian, and not any sort of mixed Kinsey concoction.
2. I have read a good number of the "bad" books that my mother would be horrified to know that I have read.
3. I am well shot of the woman who made me "disasters.bitch".
That's really about it. I'm getting ready to graduate high school soon, which might mean that I'm getting ahead, but it also might mean that I'm going to get even more screwed up.
Basically, all that I've said so far is that I have no idea where I'm going with my life.
I know this is lame, but I thought you guys might care to find some stuff out about me?

A Little About Me
1) Eye Colour	greenish-blue
2) Hair Colour	brown
3) Height	5'7"
4) Right or Left Handed	right
5) Your Weakness	self-confidence
6) Your Fears	men
7) Your Most Overused Phrase	Je ne sais pas.
8) Thoughts First Waking Up	Ugh... you monster of a clock, shut UP.
9) Your Best Physical Feature	My eyes? Or maybe my boobs. I'm not quite sure.
10) Your Bedtime	Hahahahaha. Depends on what I'm doing.
11) Pepsi or Coke	Coke.
12) McDonalds or Burger King	Burger King.
13) Ice Cream or Yogurt	Who would pick Yogurt?
14) Pizza or Chinese	Ack! Probably Chinese. Sorry Italy.
15) Waffles or Pancakes	Waffles. Pancakes are gross.
16) Single or Group Dates	Single
17) Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea	Lipton. But only if I make it myself.
18) Chocolate or Vanilla	Chocolate.
19) Cappuccino or Coffee	Coffee.
20) Do You Smoke	Nope.
21) Do You Drink	Uhhh. No?
22) Do You Swear	Haha. Fuck no.
23) Do You Sing	Yes. :)
24) Do You Shower Daily	Nope. I love baths. But I bathe daily.
25) Do You Floss	Yes.
26) Do You Drive	Nope. Well. It's complicated.
27) Have You Been In Love	Yes.
28) Have You Ever Cheated On Your Bf/Gf	No.
29) Do You Want To Get Married	Yes.
30) Do You Believe in Yourself	No.
31) Do You Get Motion Sickness	Yes.
32) Do You Think You are Attractive	No.
33) Do You Get Along With Your Parents	Sometimes.
34) Do You Have Any Brothers or Sisters	Yes.
35) Do You Like Thunderstorms	Yes.
36) Do You Play an Instrument	Yes.
37) Do You Have any Pets	No.
38) What Is Your Favorite Colour	Black-Purple-Green.
39) In the past month have you Drank Alcohol	Nope.
40) In the past month have you Smoked	Nope.
41) In the past month have you been on Drugs	Nope.
42) In the past month have you gone on a Date	Nope.
43) In the past month have you gone to a Mall	Yes.
44) In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos	Oreos come in boxes?
45) In the past month have you eaten Sushi	No.
46) In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping	No.
47) In the past month have you Stolen Anything	No.
48) Ever Been Drunk	I don't know. :/
49) Ever Been Called a Tease	Yes.
50) Ever Shoplifted	Yes.
51) Ever Gotten a Speeding Ticket	No.
52) Ever Had a Secret Crush	Who hasn't?
53) Ever Been to Disney	Yep.
54) When Was the Last Time You Were Drunk	See above.
55) When Was the Last Time You Were on a Plane	December.
56) When Was the Last Time You Heard "I Love You"	Ten seconds ago.
57) When Was the Last Time You Cried	An hour ago.
58) Number of Piercings	Five.
59) Number of Tattoos	Zero.
60) Number of Things in My Past I Regret	You can count this?
Take this survey | Create your own survey | Daily survey
Explore Thousands of Life Experiences.

There's that. :) Ummmm. I'd just like to shout out to all the people who push me to continue this, even if they don't always read or comment:
R.A.B.- thanks for inspiring a ton of these blogs.
Mixtape- thanks for giving me kisses to blog about.
RMW- Thanks for being okay with me writing about you.
LW- Thanks for being a subscriber when nobody else cared.
Cassiel- Thanks for commenting all the time!
NorthPoint- Thanks for reading and responding to comments so well!
And to all the rest of you- thanks for reading, and I hope to hear from you soon. :)
~disasters.bitch~
PS- This week: Grades 4-8!

A Post.

It's been a long time, and once again, I apologize for that. I feel as though I apologize, and swear to do better nearly every time, but I never do, and I feel terrible.
I won't say more right now, but for once, in my life, I seem to have control over things.
Not girl-shaped things, because I'm still melodramatically single and lonesome, but school-college-money things, because they're all falling into place.
I love you.
Disasters.Bitch

Last Night.

Mixtape: Sorry for not posting this last night.
I love you.
Remind me not to try and eat a jawbreaker ever again.
My mouth just isn't big enough.
And let's always sit on park benches.
And let's promise to always see movies together.
Because I really adored last night.
~disasters.bitch~
PS- I will buy that hat eventually.

Oh. My. God.

I'm not quite sure why I just did that. I had a boy over to my house. I cuddled with him. I held his hand. I let him kiss my cheek. It was a best friend's brother. I don't know what I'm doing.

This whole ordeal took a ton out of my system, but was worth it in the end.
Summation.
Boy+Disasters.Bitch=20 hour relationship culminating in two realizations:
1. Boy still loves ex-girl.
2. Disasters.Bitch is a lesbian.
The second probably should have been obvious, but became more so when she found herself unable to kiss said boy.
The first was obvious, especially when he found himself unable to kiss D.B.
So, what's a Disaster to do?
Get boy and girl back together, of course.
So, through a series of texts, she is quite happy to report that the two should be holding hands again by tomorrow afternoon.
Another successful mission in the life of Disasters.Bitch.>

So.. I hate to post this yet again.

It's now January, and I haven't posted in ages. The main problem, despite my efforts, is my utter lack of time to do anything un-school-related. I've just finished up my finals, and I've been out of town since, and I'm actually about to rush out the door yet again, this time to visit Fairleigh Dickenson University in New Jersey. I've been accepted to their 7-year medical program, which is quite exciting, as three years of it is actually located in Poland. Yes, Poland.
Anyway, so I'm very, very sorry that I haven't put anything up, but, in all honesty, the past weeks have pretty much been "Study-sleep-school-study-repeat.repeat.repeat." I could have filled you in on all of my strange school things, but I figured you'd all be bored stiff. Hopefully *crosses fingers* I'll start posting again on a regular basis on Tuesday. I still owe you some of those Throughout the Years blogs. :)
But, for now, I love you all, and I'm still...
~disasters.bitch~

Florida Trip

Okay, so I know this is late, but I finally got all my pictures sorted out.
It ended up happening that I was pushing my littlest sister in a wheelchair for most of the trip, which meant that I didn't take most of the shots of the parks, she did, which is why they're pointed UP, and not at eye level. Anyway, here goes.

The second day we were there, we went to Disney. I think most of the shots I had were from that day.

I also got a ton of pictures at Universal, but here are a few:

We got all-day meal passes, and this place had the BEST burgers I've had in years.

Curious George Waterpark.

I love Dr. Seuss.

So I took a ton of pictures of the trash cans. I thought it was cool that they matched their areas.

The Eiffel Tower at Epcot.

China, I think? Epcot.

Dishes on the train... okay, so I was really taking pictures of the wine that was just sitting on the tables. >.>
No, I didn't have any. Yes,  my parents did.

Okay, so YES I have more pictures, but they seem to all have pieces of my family or I in the backgrounds or sides, so I can't post them (Sorry!) or I'll be breaking one of my own rules.

Anyway, it was interesting, and I had fun.

I do want to mention that finals are next week, which is why I haven't been posting, so I will try to get back into my normal rhythm after that. Thanks for bearing with, and I love you all!

Talk to you soon!!

~disasters.bitch~