Oh dear.

I'm feeling a bit ADD today...
Uhhhm. I've been playing with fire tonight. Yeah, I know, bad of me, especially as it resulted in a small, accidentally on purpose candlewax burn. And I was making a blowtorch with perfume and a lighter, and I ACCIDENTALLY made the fire hover over my thumb. It was amazing. And ridic.
Hm. What else... Actually did my homework. 0_0
Okay, so finally, now that I've pretended to blog, I wanted to tell you guys about this amazing girl. I don't think she's gay (tear, tear), but if she was, I would stalk her and love her for a little while, anyway.
http://www.youtube.com/user/meekakitty#p/u/18/aXckCA3sjBw
She's wonderful. Go watch something. Its hilarious.
I halfheartedly want to be a youtube star... but nobody would watch me. Haha.
Uhhhhhhhh.
Yeah. Really. Nothing to say. Sorry!
Love you!!!!!
~disasters.bitch~

I know this makes me a terrible person...[bitch is bitching]

I really miss being the one that she came to when she was upset. I'm really envious that he gets to do that now.
I love her. I'm not in love with her, but I love her, more than anything. I can't think of anything, including my own life, I wouldn't give to make her happy.
I guess I should really mean that- let her be happy, even if it means she doesn't have any need of me anymore. Especially if it means that.
She doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Not like she used to. She answers my crisises with "Oh." or "Okay." or the like. I think she's outgrown me, like the training wheels on her bike or something.
And I hate it- I hate being alone, I suppose...
Because I am alone. I've lost her. I've lost everyone. This whole break we've had... This whole time, I've had text messages from two people. One from a eighth grader who was bored senseless, and sent me abbreviation texts "wsp?", and the other from a wannabe gangsta asshole who wanted me to fix up his service learning.
I'm tired of being alone.

lets try this again...

Okay... so I know, it's been four days, with no real reason for not posting. Just haven't had anything inspiring to write. Besides which, I've barely been around. I've been cleaning a lot- I know, giving up spare time to clean. So lame.
Uh... I don't know. Really, really nothing to write about... OH!
I did make a minor biblical discovery tonight at church. Well, discovery for me.

1st Corinthians 6:7-15

7 Therefore, it is already a total defeat for you that you have lawsuits against one another. Why not rather put up with injustice? Why not rather be cheated? 8 Instead, you act unjustly and cheat—and this to brothers! 9 Do you not know that the unjust will not inherit God's kingdom? Do not be deceived: no sexually immoral people, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, homosexuals, 10 thieves, greedy people, drunkards, revilers, or swindlers will inherit God's kingdom. 11 Some of you were like this; but you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Easy enough, right? I highlighted that line, because in this verse, Paul acknowledges that maybe, just maybe, these Corinthians don't know that what they're doing is wrong. Right? He's going "Oh man, don't they know what they're doing?"
Okay. Now:
Ephesians 4&5:20-32:1-5

20 But that is not how you learned about the Messiah, 21 assuming you heard Him and were taught by Him, because the truth is in Jesus: 22 you took off your former way of life, the old man that is corrupted by deceitful desires; 23 you are being renewed in the spirit of your minds; 24 you put on the new man, the one created according to God's [likeness] in righteousness and purity of the truth.25 Since you put away lying, Speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, because we are members of one another. 26 Be angry and do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and don't give the Devil an opportunity. 28 The thief must no longer steal. Instead, he must do honest work with his own hands, so that he has something to share (AR) with anyone in need. 29 No rotten talk should come from your mouth, but only what is good for the building up of someone in need, in order to give grace to those who hear. 30 And don't grieve God's Holy Spirit, who sealed you for the day of redemption. 31 All bitterness, anger and wrath, insult and slander must be removed from you, along with all wickedness. 32 And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ. (5)Therefore, be imitators of God, as dearly loved children. 2 And walk in love, as the Messiah also loved us and gave Himself for us, a sacrificial and fragrant offering to God. 3 But sexual immorality and any impurity or greed should not even be heard of among you, as is proper for saints. 4 And coarse and foolish talking or crude joking are not suitable, but rather giving thanks. 5 For know and recognize this: no sexually immoral or impure or greedy person, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of the Messiah and of God.

Okay. Ephesians, although written later, is also written by Paul. Now. Go back. Look at the lilac-highlighted parts. How similar are they? Very similar. But look more closely. Greed. Impurity. Sexual immorality. Cursing. Impurity. Anything about homosexuality? Not really. Hmph. I wonder why that is. Here's my little theory on that. During his life, Paul did an awful lot. He used to be a hater himself, back in the day, telling anyone who would listen that Christians sucked and arresting them for not following Jewish law. He was pretty much a small minded asshole. That didn't change a whole lot. He was still an asshole. He was just a Jesus-loving asshole. His first book (Thessalonians) sounds a lot like the pretenders that Jesus was talking about- very self-loving and proud. He actually talks about this whole deal there too: that you abstain from sexual immorality, 4 so that each of you knows how to possess his own vessel(1st Thes. 4:3b-4.)
So as he goes on, he gets frustrated again, pretty much bitching at the new Christians until Ephesians goes down. When wrote this, he was in prison. I'm not positive, but I get the feeling he was feeling a lot kinder to the people who made mistakes while he was living among murderers and whatnot, which is why I see no mention of homosexuality- which, back in the day, was a pretty impure thing to do, even if you're going on medical definition alone. Ick. Can you imagine how much disease there must have been back then, if men were having sex without a good way to clean up? Yeah. Sorry. Bad path to go down, but it is really late. Anyway- from this little epiphany, I'm even more convinced that homosexuality is akin to eating pork- one of God's provisions to prevent people from getting sick back before medicine. I eat pork. And ham. And bacon. Not so much shellfish(because I find them nasty, not because they're immoral). I just don't believe that God can hate someone he made. That'd be pretty hypocritical of him, actually, since he asks us to love everyone, and forgive 77x7 ills done against him. Even if I have lesbian sex 539 times, I honestly don't think God can hate me for it. After all- God made me. God doesn't make mistakes. Otherwise... Oh goodness. I'd hate to be the one to tell people at the gates of Heaven that they were God's mistakes and couldn't come in...
But hey, Peter, you gotta do what you gotta do. Good luck with kicking those really strong biker lesbians out... I wouldn't want to fight them, particularly not in a floaty little robe.
Going to bed now, before I get more sacreligious.
~disasters.bitch~

Things that make me want to kill myself:

Funny: Girls that talk too loudly on their cell phones, just so you can hear the sordid details of their sex lives.
Serious: Getting pictures taken, and realizing how fat you truly are, because none of your old clothes fit.

Funny: Really old women wearing really see through skirts with really dark underwear.
Serious: Going to the school doctor for a checkup and hearing "Wow. You've really put on some weight this year, haven't you?"

Funny: Flicking on the television and realizing that there's absolutely nothing on aside from crap situational comedies and crime shows.
Serious: Realizing how much I really, really wish my life was like one of those sitcoms. I'd even settle for the crime show, honestly.

Funny: People who call me a dyke.
Serious: Realizing that I am a lesbian, and I'm going to hell anyway.

Funny: Zits.
Serious: My face.

Funny: Kevin Federline.
Serious: Knowing that none of the girls I fall for will ever love me back.

Its a bit of a bad night, I think. I'm sitting on my bed with my brand new cell phone and my same old razorblade, wondering why I even bother anymore. Is that terrible of me?
*shrugs* Whatever. Watching Sugar Rush. Maybe it will help.
Just thought I'd say thank you to my new "follower". You know you're lame when you can count all of them on one hand.

Corinthians 6:9-11

So... I thought I'd do something new, for once, and try my hand at the whole "Being a teenage Christian lesbian" thing. Here goes.
People(and by people, I mean one or two) have been recently asking me how I can be Christian and lesbian in conjunction, when they seem to be so adamantly against each other.
Well, I wanted to look at the verses more specifically, and on an individual basis to explain my views on the subject. I personally use a Christian Standard Bible, so that's what I'm quoting.

9 Do you not know that the unjust will not inherit God's kingdom? Do not be deceived: no sexually immoral people, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, homosexuals, 10 thieves, greedy people, drunkards, revilers,  or swindlers  will inherit God's kingdom. 11 Some of you were like this; but you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

This verse is quoted all the time in reference to homosexuality. They want to focus on the word homosexuals, not the entire text, but the text as a whole is crucial here.
"Sexually immoral people", which do include homosexuals, according to study, also include having sex during menstruation and having sex with temple whores to worship fertility goddesses. Okay, so maybe not everyone does that. Idolators- well, not everyone worships idols. Not everyone is an adulterer or a male prostitute. "Thieves, greedy people, drunkards, revilers, or swindlers" will not inherit either. Oh dear. I guess none of us will inherit the kingdom of heaven. I don't know a single person on earth who has never been greedy or been a little sneaky about something, even if it wasn't malicious. Poor Catholics. Drunkards? They drink in church, for goodness' sake! Now, "revilers" was a word I had to look up. According to the dictionary, a reviler is someone who curses. Now, people will turn it off for church, but I know for a fact that half the people in church on Sunday have a dirty mouth Monday through Saturday.
Yes, I'm a homosexual. I'll admit to being a bit greedy sometimes. I try hard not to curse, but I occasionally slip up and I am known for being a bit sneaky.
Towards the end of the verse, it talks about being saved by Jesus Christ. If you've ever been a church, you've heard them say that God will forgive you for your sins if you ask him. To ask for forgiveness, you have to be willing to change. I don't think that my lesbianism is something really changeable, so I open every prayer with these words:

Hey God. I'm still a lesbian. I know you hate me right now, but I'm sorry, and I hope you'll still love me and listen to the rest of what I have to say.

Yep. Inadequate and way too much to ask, but I get the feeling that they still love me up there, especially when they tell me things like this:

Out of Place

The more I read about it, the more I truly wish I had been born around 1840. Yes, yes, I know- women had little to no rights, restrictive regulations about society, no technology, no real schooling, bedbugs, fatal diseases, ect.
However, I long for the days when bigger women (yes, me...) were considered beautiful, where pale skinned creatures were envied, where everybody wrote in beautiful, loopy cursive and listened to the same types of music and spoke eloquently. I wish that embroidery and sewing were a widely-used skill, and that normal women wore corsets and bustle skirts, boots and capes every day. I would miss my makeup, Relient K and indoor plumbing, but to live in a society like that of Fingersmith or Tipping the Velvet- it would be worth it.
Plus- and I know this seems ridiculous to wish for, in the great age of homosexual acceptance and whatnot- "Romantic friendship" between women was really common: AND ACCEPTED. Basically- you could marry, and hate your husband, and have a lady friend on the side to be close with. All the benefits of ordinary marriage and all the fun of a girl in bed. ;)
Okay, I know, fantasy world. But I suppose I've always been a romantic.

Woman Seeking Woman: Hopeless romantic seeks brainy femme who won't make fun of her for wearing corsets, will put up with obnoxiously heavy breathing and a high, feminine voice and compromise on vacation locations. Loves lesbian films, high heeled shoes, blogging, staying up far past her bedtime on the phone and waltzing to completely inappropriate music. If you like Italian food and cuddling on the sofa, please contact to meet a girl who will never forget your birthday and will never break your heart.

Your eyes are like a suicide; your tongue is still a rusty knife, cutting me open from the inside.

I want to start a revolution. I really, really do. I know that sounds stupid- there are tons of revolutions going on out there- but what frustrates me the most about society is meetings about meetings and no progress.
For example- I'm a member of a committee to prevent underage drug and alcohol abuse. Now, I'm not going to say I'm the best example- I will admit to considering getting smashed or stoned- but I do think that we need to be more responsible about substance abuse. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, this group is impossibly slow at getting anything done. Three years into our grant, we're still arguing over our mission statement and whether or not its actually a problem!
I don't know. Things need to change. Things have to change.

Prom Dresses

I'm a little bit frustrated right now.

My father just called me downstairs. He wanted to tell me about some great dresses he'd found for me for prom. This is what they're like, with slight variations.

Now, you might be asking, what's so wrong with that?

Nothing, really, except that its so completely not my style that its ridiculous.

Poor thing, you're thinking. She can't find a dress she likes.

Its not like I'm expecting an achingly hip, EA-styled confection...

I'd just like to find something a little less bridal.

Couldn't they make something like this in a plus size?!

I know, I know, wishful thinking.

And another thing: Why are all the prom dresses sleeveless?!

I know- skin is in and all that jazz, and formal dresses with sleeves have a tendency to end up looking like confections.

But couldn't someone make a line of inexpensive, beautiful dresses that are a tiny bit more modest?

Like this:

Yeah, a little out there, but still pretty!

Look. All I'm saying is, prom is marketed to teenage girls as the one night where you should absolutely feel like a princess.

Preparing for my senior prom, I'm feeling more and more like the frog.

"At seventeen, its hard to see past Friday night..."

Friday night was bad. Last night wasn't much better. I feel as though I'm falling to pieces a little bit, I guess just because the show wasn't fun, I feel like the whole world's falling apart. Isn't that lame?
I guess I'm just tired of everything I do falling to bits.
I guess...
I don't know what I'm saying. I just felt like I should post something to document these past few days.
Hopefully something happens to write about soon.
<3
~disasters.bitch~

To Write Love On Her Arms Day

So, tomorrow is "TWLOHA" day. I'm wondering how many people I'll see with it tomorrow.
I've asked people in a few of my classes to wear it for me- if nobody else, they know me, and that might be a reason. I really wish I could start a social revolution. I think more than anything, that is the one thing I want to do. Ridiculous of me?
Yeah, I know.
Also tomorrow- Play! Won't tell you what it is or where at, but I hope you'll cross your fingers and toes and keep the M-word sacred for me.
Well, I should go. I know I haven't posted anything substantial, what with it being hell week, but I promise- next week I will post at least one vendetta-worthy emphatic statement.
Je t'adore. :)
~disasters.bitch~
PS- if you're reading this, I'd love [love love] to see your "Love". Pictures? ;) I'm sure I can come up with some reward if you put them up.

Makeup.

So, for lack of anything truly consequential to write about, I'm going to do a little bit of a fluff opener about my makeup collection. I know what you're all thinking: She's a dyke, isn't she? Hahaha. A dyke who loves [loves loves] dramatic colors, especially on her face, and I want to do a bit of a shameless plug about my favorites.
My favorite liner is Covergirl's Perfect Point Plus, which is a crayon rather than a pencil or liquid. How amazing is it that big girls get crayons for their faces?

Very awesome. In addition to being the easiest to put on, it also stays better than anything but kohl for me, so props. :)

I love Covergirl for shadows, particularly this lovely color called French Lavendar that I'm actually out of at the moment, and a bright, springy green from their new line of colors that a girl from the drama club picked the label off of during our summer production.

Anyhow, I've recently discovered a new love for colors: They're called H.I.P. (High Intensity Pigments) and they're by L'Oreal. I got the "Concentrated Shadow Duos".

These actually aren't the ones I've got; mine aren't sparkly, but the colors are similar. I have a turquoise and blue combo, a green and khaki and a lilac and purple. I'm craving these new ones, and hope to get the sparkly black and silver as soon as possible.

Its really sad to say, but my favorite lipstick is actually a silver lipstick that I bought for ten cents at a bargain discount store, thinking I could use it to play with for a show sometime, with a host of sisters in colors like purple, green and blue. Unfortunately for me, its the best damn lipstick I've ever had, especially with a coat of Carmex on top. Its called Colore, and the tube is black with a gold paper sticker on the inside of a clear cap. Seriously- if you see it, buy the silvery gray one- best wintery gloss ever.

Last but not least, I have to plead with you. I've been wanting to do an edgy, goth look for ages- years, and I've racked up a nice collection of products, including a red glitter liquid eyeliner, a black powder shadow without glitter, black lipstick and loads of black liners and sparkly shadows, but I've never been quite sure how to go about that without just looking like I'd been abused. Advice? Comments below!

Love you!

~disasters.bitch~

PS- Tomorrow, I promise a less girly chat. Well... Maybe I'll talk about ACTUAL girls for once. Haha. Ooh! Actually, stay tuned for the update on the great porn prank failure! Au demain!

Failing.

Do you ever feel like no matter what you try, you always fail?

Today's been one of those days. I just found out I'm failing my AP Biology class. Haha... Isn't it great?

First time I've failed ANYTHING. I feel really, really stupid.

Right now, my grades are: A, /, B, E. My parents are saying that I'm not allowed to go to the cast party if my grades aren't up. Ha. Whatever. I don't even really care anymore. Nobody in this damn show likes me anyway.

Oh, and about the therapy? So not happening. Apparently, they'd need to bill my parents. So yeah. Forget that.

I'm going to get back to work now... Maybe I'll feel better if this place isn't a dump.

I love you.

~disasters.bitch~

Comment!

So, it seems I have my first REAL comment. Not that the other comments aren't real, but I mean... It seems to be a comment from somebody I don't know. I guess that was a stupid thing to post.
I'm really nervous about tomorrow. I'm supposed to find out what I'm doing then. I'm skipping second period. I'm already behind. Great. *sighs*
I'm not really posting now, just an obligatory post to fill my daily quota.
Love you.
Miss you.
Thanks again.
-disasters.bitch-

Eeeek! I just found something Fabulous!

So as some of you know, I'm a total bookworm, with a preference for lesbian literature (obviously). I'm also a lesbian film buff. Girl + Girl= fab. Anyway, so I was googling something completely unrelated, and found this little gem:
http://www.leewind.org/
What's this, you ask?
A queer literature site. This makes me extremely excited (in a total, nerdy "I love books" way. Perverts.)
Anyway, there's this book called "Ash", which I'm particularly longing for. However, I'm almost certain they won't have it at my local library. I'd also love to read this other book... "Absolutely Maybe".
Okay, so I know this is a short blog, but I've already posted today, so no complaints.
Goodnight for real this time.

Takes me a minute to admit it when I'm wrong.

Today, I did a really brave thing.
Last night, on the date that I told you all about, she offered to take me to the doctor's, to get medication if I needed it.
I took it into my own hands instead.
Today, I told the guidance counselor that I wasn't feeling good- gave her my symptoms and the period of time I've been having them, and she told me that she thought I was depressed. She said that from what she saw, I was headed towards disaster. [I didn't mention to her that I'm disasters.bitch. I doubt she'd have thought it was funny, and I wasn't feeling humorous in the context anyway.]
Aside from my self mutilation and suicide plans [which I knew she couldn't hear without calling my parents], I was completely honest. [minus the gay thing, which was irrelevant.] I took off my mask.
Strangely enough, I haven't been able to put it back on yet. I couldn't bring myself to be energetic and happy for rehearsal. I couldn't make light talk with my Mom. I haven't really told anybody yet- you guys can be the first to hear it all.
The plan is that she's going to talk to the school psychologist (who she doesn't think has any openings, but she's asking anyway) on Monday, and then she'll talk to the doctor for the Wellness Center on Tuesday, which is her day at the school.
If all goes well, whatever treatment is going to happen will happen by the middle of next week (unless it's medication, which might take longer, I think, because I don't know how in the world I'd pick up the perscription) and hopefully I'll be better soon.
Whatever happens, I'll keep you all posted.
~disasters.bitch~

X and O- a way to show, just how much I've really missed you...

Just got home from a spontaneous date with this beautiful girl I never thought would ever be interested in me. I got home at around five-thirty from rehearsal. I literally walked through the door, took off my shoes and my phone buzzed with a text consisting of two words: "Whatcha doin?" When I replied with a concise "About to fix myself some dinner. Why?" She proceeded to ask me out for dinner. Suprisingly, my mom let me go- under the impression we were friends, of course.
We went out to this little diner-type place, where I didn't know anybody, and neither did she. She had pancakes and I had some chicken-sammich thing. Yum. We kind of held hands a little over the table, which was amazingly cute. <3
Anyhow, we sat there talking for forty-five minutes. When the waitress took our plates, I actually ordered pie so we could sit longer. Three Cokes later, we left, giggling and smiling and just happy to be together.
We drove around for awhile, before going to my house and parking in the parking lot next door with the lights out. We sat there for a half-hour, just talking about everything. Finally, when we got to my house, we hugged goodbye. And then we hugged goodbye again. And just when I thought I would let go, I kissed her.
She had this beautiful little smile on her face when I let go, like she had a wonderful secret. I was just about to go into my house, and she kissed me back. I skipped up the steps, and looked back at her in the car, certain that there was never so beautiful a moment as watching her smile at me through the car window.
I've been in a little bit of a cloud this week, simmering on low, while I struggled to deal with the way I've been feeling about this other girl. She's really great- pretty, smart and funny- but I've come to the realization that really, she doesn't care about playing with my heart. I'm a game to her- a yoyo to bounce up and down, a fish to be reeled in and released with my heart yanked halfway out of my chest. No matter how good I am to her- no matter how many presents I give her or ways I show her that I love her, she'll never love me the way I love her. I'll always be her stupid little pet- her puppy dog that will follow her around no matter how many times she beats me.
I'm done following her. I love her. I love her. I love her. But I'm letting go. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep doing this to her. It's not healthy, and it's not sane.
I love her... but I love myself too. I'm worth something in this world- obviously, based on tonight alone, other people care. Other people LIKE ME.
I know it's cliche, but I think right now, I've got to say that Cher says it best. Go refresh your nineties souls.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5xsiKBJGW4
Goodnight beautifuls.
And to the beautiful mixtape, tonight was... breathtaking.
Thank you.
~disasters.bitch~

Exhaustion

So... Maybe I'll actually blog for once.
The past few days/weeks have kind of been a blur.
I think I'm developing depression... let me look up those symptoms.

Sadness or hopelessness (check.)



Irritability, anger, or hostility (check. I'm a really un-angry person, but lately, I've been really grouchy. I've been pissing myself off.)


Tearfulness or frequent crying (check. Again. Never used to cry.)


Withdrawal from friends and family (check.>.> I've been sitting up here alone for the past four hours... okay, not unusual, but I haven't talked to anyone, except a brief set of emails on facebook. So...)


Loss of interest in activities (check. Not wanting to go to drama, write or do artistic things? What?)

Changes in eating and sleeping habits (check. I can't keep an eating pattern anymore, and I can no longer sleep at night.)


Restlessness and agitation (check. I can't BE here anymore!)


Feelings of worthlessness and guilt (check. check. check.)


Lack of enthusiasm and motivation (Hahahahahahaha. check. What if I no longer really want to do anything?)


Fatigue or lack of energy (check! Sleep...)


Difficulty concentrating (check. Blogging rather than homework, and I'm barely sticking to finishing this.)


Thoughts of death or suicide (check.)

Anyway... Ummm... Shout out to A.B.(did you realize your initials are AB? *giggles*) Anyway... Danke for the comments, and I'm glad you appreciate my writing. :)
So... I'm feeling really awful. I suppose I've got some kind of cold-thing now, but I'm not exactly sure why I'm so achy. Maybe it's the cold- I hate the weather here- it's so yo-yo-y. If I wear long sleeves in the morning, I sweat all day and still freeze by the time rehearsal's done. If I wear short sleeves, I shiver until I get home, and it takes ages to defrost under my blankets...
Speaking of blankets, I had an amazing nap tonight. About an hour and a half long. I just passed out, and didn't resurface until I had to get up and shower, to rid myself of the sticky sweat of wearing long sleeves. Now, of course, I'm freezing again, because my hair takes hours and hours to dry when not blown dry, so after an hour and a half, it's still dripping.
Lesbian updates... lets see. Uhhh. Oh! Found out a girl (from our county rival school, that I've only met once) has a crush on me! Not just any crush, mind, but a crush large enough that on two separate occasions, with two separate friends, she's mentioned it to people, who were sworn to secrecy that they wouldn't tell me. She's a bit shorter than I am, red-haired, with beautiful eyes, though the part the messengers in question (who by the way, did not spill the beans... I guessed.) focused on her flat-chestedness. From my memory(which isn't perfect, as the occasion we spent together, which consisted of seventeen hours together on a trip to New York City was over six months ago...), she wasn't that flat chested. Although, I am a terrible judge of chest sizes, because, to me, anything below a D-cup is rather small in comparison... (I'm a triple D, moving on up into an E soon.) Maybe she is. I don't know. But she's a very sweet, if not a little interesting. However, perhaps it's this whole kiss-withdrawral syndrome thing...
Speaking of Syndromes, does anyone else have the problem when they'll go to say an acronym, and they mix up the letters? For example, in my A&P class today, someone asked what SARS stood for. The teacher replied "That Asian flu thing, right?" Now, before you get on him for being a racist... well, okay, he is a racist. Anyway, I piped up with "Sudden Asian Respiratory Disease"- forgetting of course, that SARS is spelled with an S and not a D at the end. I quickly stuttered out "I mean, Syndrome." But by that point, it had instilled doubt into their minds (otherwise, I'm nearly positive they would have believed me. I can't believe how much stuff I can make up in that class. =])
Oh, and on the subject of flu- just so everyone's clear, yes, I did have h1n1, and no, it wasn't that bad. I'm still alive... unfortunately.
Anyway, on that happy note, I'm off to bed. Mmmmm, sleep. I haven't slept in ages... almost two hours now! Horrors! Goodnight, faithful readers... who never comment?

 So... If I don't have it, I'm not sure what this is. But yeah. I think I might.

Relient K and the Teenage Christian Lesbian

So, this is an amazing little thing I found while looking for icons for my inspiration album for the month, "Forget and Not Slow Down", by Relient K. Though I've been a Relient K fan for around a year now, I've recently fallen in love with them all over again when I came across their wonderful new album in a Christian bookstore. It was a pleasant suprise that this album was even more Christian than the past few, without being preachy and obnoxious, as some can be, honestly.

The title song, "Forget and Not Slow Down"(lyrics in the graphic above), pretty much sums up what I want to be right now. I've been pretty self-pitying the past couple days. Who am I kidding? I've been a total bitch the past three weeks.

I'm sorry. I love you all. I'll do better. I promise you.

Because honestly, you all deserve medals for perseverence & patience for putting up with all of my ridiculousness.

Anyway... This song is mostly talking about putting the past behind you, and new beginnings.

No matter who I was in the past- a mean person, massive depressive, a self-injurer, manipulative, submissive and permissive in relationships, and all around negative- that doesn't mean that I have to be that person for the rest of my life. I'm allowed to change. Just because I'm a teenage Christian lesbian doesn't mean that I'm bad- just different. And you know, I'm pretty sure God still loves me. 'Cause, you know, that would be pretty hypocritical for him not to be.

On the subject of Teenage Christian Lesbians... Am I the only one? I wonder sometimes, how many other lesbians manage to keep the faith going. Are there support groups? "Christian Lesbians Anonymous"? "Dykes for Christ"? "I kissed a girl, and Jesus loves me anyway."?

If you're out there, reading this, I've got to say, you've kept rather quiet, darlings.

PS: Just thought I should add, in case she's reading this... Things have changed a little. I understand that I've stayed exactly the same, which probably isn't a good thing for you.

I just want you to know... My offer still stands.

I don't want to be the man in your life.