Failing.

Do you ever feel like no matter what you try, you always fail?

Today's been one of those days. I just found out I'm failing my AP Biology class. Haha... Isn't it great?

First time I've failed ANYTHING. I feel really, really stupid.

Right now, my grades are: A, /, B, E. My parents are saying that I'm not allowed to go to the cast party if my grades aren't up. Ha. Whatever. I don't even really care anymore. Nobody in this damn show likes me anyway.

Oh, and about the therapy? So not happening. Apparently, they'd need to bill my parents. So yeah. Forget that.

I'm going to get back to work now... Maybe I'll feel better if this place isn't a dump.

I love you.

~disasters.bitch~

Comment!

So, it seems I have my first REAL comment. Not that the other comments aren't real, but I mean... It seems to be a comment from somebody I don't know. I guess that was a stupid thing to post.
I'm really nervous about tomorrow. I'm supposed to find out what I'm doing then. I'm skipping second period. I'm already behind. Great. *sighs*
I'm not really posting now, just an obligatory post to fill my daily quota.
Love you.
Miss you.
Thanks again.
-disasters.bitch-

Eeeek! I just found something Fabulous!

So as some of you know, I'm a total bookworm, with a preference for lesbian literature (obviously). I'm also a lesbian film buff. Girl + Girl= fab. Anyway, so I was googling something completely unrelated, and found this little gem:
http://www.leewind.org/
What's this, you ask?
A queer literature site. This makes me extremely excited (in a total, nerdy "I love books" way. Perverts.)
Anyway, there's this book called "Ash", which I'm particularly longing for. However, I'm almost certain they won't have it at my local library. I'd also love to read this other book... "Absolutely Maybe".
Okay, so I know this is a short blog, but I've already posted today, so no complaints.
Goodnight for real this time.

Takes me a minute to admit it when I'm wrong.

Today, I did a really brave thing.
Last night, on the date that I told you all about, she offered to take me to the doctor's, to get medication if I needed it.
I took it into my own hands instead.
Today, I told the guidance counselor that I wasn't feeling good- gave her my symptoms and the period of time I've been having them, and she told me that she thought I was depressed. She said that from what she saw, I was headed towards disaster. [I didn't mention to her that I'm disasters.bitch. I doubt she'd have thought it was funny, and I wasn't feeling humorous in the context anyway.]
Aside from my self mutilation and suicide plans [which I knew she couldn't hear without calling my parents], I was completely honest. [minus the gay thing, which was irrelevant.] I took off my mask.
Strangely enough, I haven't been able to put it back on yet. I couldn't bring myself to be energetic and happy for rehearsal. I couldn't make light talk with my Mom. I haven't really told anybody yet- you guys can be the first to hear it all.
The plan is that she's going to talk to the school psychologist (who she doesn't think has any openings, but she's asking anyway) on Monday, and then she'll talk to the doctor for the Wellness Center on Tuesday, which is her day at the school.
If all goes well, whatever treatment is going to happen will happen by the middle of next week (unless it's medication, which might take longer, I think, because I don't know how in the world I'd pick up the perscription) and hopefully I'll be better soon.
Whatever happens, I'll keep you all posted.
~disasters.bitch~

X and O- a way to show, just how much I've really missed you...

Just got home from a spontaneous date with this beautiful girl I never thought would ever be interested in me. I got home at around five-thirty from rehearsal. I literally walked through the door, took off my shoes and my phone buzzed with a text consisting of two words: "Whatcha doin?" When I replied with a concise "About to fix myself some dinner. Why?" She proceeded to ask me out for dinner. Suprisingly, my mom let me go- under the impression we were friends, of course.
We went out to this little diner-type place, where I didn't know anybody, and neither did she. She had pancakes and I had some chicken-sammich thing. Yum. We kind of held hands a little over the table, which was amazingly cute. <3
Anyhow, we sat there talking for forty-five minutes. When the waitress took our plates, I actually ordered pie so we could sit longer. Three Cokes later, we left, giggling and smiling and just happy to be together.
We drove around for awhile, before going to my house and parking in the parking lot next door with the lights out. We sat there for a half-hour, just talking about everything. Finally, when we got to my house, we hugged goodbye. And then we hugged goodbye again. And just when I thought I would let go, I kissed her.
She had this beautiful little smile on her face when I let go, like she had a wonderful secret. I was just about to go into my house, and she kissed me back. I skipped up the steps, and looked back at her in the car, certain that there was never so beautiful a moment as watching her smile at me through the car window.
I've been in a little bit of a cloud this week, simmering on low, while I struggled to deal with the way I've been feeling about this other girl. She's really great- pretty, smart and funny- but I've come to the realization that really, she doesn't care about playing with my heart. I'm a game to her- a yoyo to bounce up and down, a fish to be reeled in and released with my heart yanked halfway out of my chest. No matter how good I am to her- no matter how many presents I give her or ways I show her that I love her, she'll never love me the way I love her. I'll always be her stupid little pet- her puppy dog that will follow her around no matter how many times she beats me.
I'm done following her. I love her. I love her. I love her. But I'm letting go. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep doing this to her. It's not healthy, and it's not sane.
I love her... but I love myself too. I'm worth something in this world- obviously, based on tonight alone, other people care. Other people LIKE ME.
I know it's cliche, but I think right now, I've got to say that Cher says it best. Go refresh your nineties souls.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5xsiKBJGW4
Goodnight beautifuls.
And to the beautiful mixtape, tonight was... breathtaking.
Thank you.
~disasters.bitch~

Exhaustion

So... Maybe I'll actually blog for once.
The past few days/weeks have kind of been a blur.
I think I'm developing depression... let me look up those symptoms.

Sadness or hopelessness (check.)



Irritability, anger, or hostility (check. I'm a really un-angry person, but lately, I've been really grouchy. I've been pissing myself off.)


Tearfulness or frequent crying (check. Again. Never used to cry.)


Withdrawal from friends and family (check.>.> I've been sitting up here alone for the past four hours... okay, not unusual, but I haven't talked to anyone, except a brief set of emails on facebook. So...)


Loss of interest in activities (check. Not wanting to go to drama, write or do artistic things? What?)

Changes in eating and sleeping habits (check. I can't keep an eating pattern anymore, and I can no longer sleep at night.)


Restlessness and agitation (check. I can't BE here anymore!)


Feelings of worthlessness and guilt (check. check. check.)


Lack of enthusiasm and motivation (Hahahahahahaha. check. What if I no longer really want to do anything?)


Fatigue or lack of energy (check! Sleep...)


Difficulty concentrating (check. Blogging rather than homework, and I'm barely sticking to finishing this.)


Thoughts of death or suicide (check.)

Anyway... Ummm... Shout out to A.B.(did you realize your initials are AB? *giggles*) Anyway... Danke for the comments, and I'm glad you appreciate my writing. :)
So... I'm feeling really awful. I suppose I've got some kind of cold-thing now, but I'm not exactly sure why I'm so achy. Maybe it's the cold- I hate the weather here- it's so yo-yo-y. If I wear long sleeves in the morning, I sweat all day and still freeze by the time rehearsal's done. If I wear short sleeves, I shiver until I get home, and it takes ages to defrost under my blankets...
Speaking of blankets, I had an amazing nap tonight. About an hour and a half long. I just passed out, and didn't resurface until I had to get up and shower, to rid myself of the sticky sweat of wearing long sleeves. Now, of course, I'm freezing again, because my hair takes hours and hours to dry when not blown dry, so after an hour and a half, it's still dripping.
Lesbian updates... lets see. Uhhh. Oh! Found out a girl (from our county rival school, that I've only met once) has a crush on me! Not just any crush, mind, but a crush large enough that on two separate occasions, with two separate friends, she's mentioned it to people, who were sworn to secrecy that they wouldn't tell me. She's a bit shorter than I am, red-haired, with beautiful eyes, though the part the messengers in question (who by the way, did not spill the beans... I guessed.) focused on her flat-chestedness. From my memory(which isn't perfect, as the occasion we spent together, which consisted of seventeen hours together on a trip to New York City was over six months ago...), she wasn't that flat chested. Although, I am a terrible judge of chest sizes, because, to me, anything below a D-cup is rather small in comparison... (I'm a triple D, moving on up into an E soon.) Maybe she is. I don't know. But she's a very sweet, if not a little interesting. However, perhaps it's this whole kiss-withdrawral syndrome thing...
Speaking of Syndromes, does anyone else have the problem when they'll go to say an acronym, and they mix up the letters? For example, in my A&P class today, someone asked what SARS stood for. The teacher replied "That Asian flu thing, right?" Now, before you get on him for being a racist... well, okay, he is a racist. Anyway, I piped up with "Sudden Asian Respiratory Disease"- forgetting of course, that SARS is spelled with an S and not a D at the end. I quickly stuttered out "I mean, Syndrome." But by that point, it had instilled doubt into their minds (otherwise, I'm nearly positive they would have believed me. I can't believe how much stuff I can make up in that class. =])
Oh, and on the subject of flu- just so everyone's clear, yes, I did have h1n1, and no, it wasn't that bad. I'm still alive... unfortunately.
Anyway, on that happy note, I'm off to bed. Mmmmm, sleep. I haven't slept in ages... almost two hours now! Horrors! Goodnight, faithful readers... who never comment?

 So... If I don't have it, I'm not sure what this is. But yeah. I think I might.

Relient K and the Teenage Christian Lesbian

So, this is an amazing little thing I found while looking for icons for my inspiration album for the month, "Forget and Not Slow Down", by Relient K. Though I've been a Relient K fan for around a year now, I've recently fallen in love with them all over again when I came across their wonderful new album in a Christian bookstore. It was a pleasant suprise that this album was even more Christian than the past few, without being preachy and obnoxious, as some can be, honestly.

The title song, "Forget and Not Slow Down"(lyrics in the graphic above), pretty much sums up what I want to be right now. I've been pretty self-pitying the past couple days. Who am I kidding? I've been a total bitch the past three weeks.

I'm sorry. I love you all. I'll do better. I promise you.

Because honestly, you all deserve medals for perseverence & patience for putting up with all of my ridiculousness.

Anyway... This song is mostly talking about putting the past behind you, and new beginnings.

No matter who I was in the past- a mean person, massive depressive, a self-injurer, manipulative, submissive and permissive in relationships, and all around negative- that doesn't mean that I have to be that person for the rest of my life. I'm allowed to change. Just because I'm a teenage Christian lesbian doesn't mean that I'm bad- just different. And you know, I'm pretty sure God still loves me. 'Cause, you know, that would be pretty hypocritical for him not to be.

On the subject of Teenage Christian Lesbians... Am I the only one? I wonder sometimes, how many other lesbians manage to keep the faith going. Are there support groups? "Christian Lesbians Anonymous"? "Dykes for Christ"? "I kissed a girl, and Jesus loves me anyway."?

If you're out there, reading this, I've got to say, you've kept rather quiet, darlings.

PS: Just thought I should add, in case she's reading this... Things have changed a little. I understand that I've stayed exactly the same, which probably isn't a good thing for you.

I just want you to know... My offer still stands.

I don't want to be the man in your life.