Eeeek! I just found something Fabulous!

So as some of you know, I'm a total bookworm, with a preference for lesbian literature (obviously). I'm also a lesbian film buff. Girl + Girl= fab. Anyway, so I was googling something completely unrelated, and found this little gem:
http://www.leewind.org/
What's this, you ask?
A queer literature site. This makes me extremely excited (in a total, nerdy "I love books" way. Perverts.)
Anyway, there's this book called "Ash", which I'm particularly longing for. However, I'm almost certain they won't have it at my local library. I'd also love to read this other book... "Absolutely Maybe".
Okay, so I know this is a short blog, but I've already posted today, so no complaints.
Goodnight for real this time.

X and O- a way to show, just how much I've really missed you...

Just got home from a spontaneous date with this beautiful girl I never thought would ever be interested in me. I got home at around five-thirty from rehearsal. I literally walked through the door, took off my shoes and my phone buzzed with a text consisting of two words: "Whatcha doin?" When I replied with a concise "About to fix myself some dinner. Why?" She proceeded to ask me out for dinner. Suprisingly, my mom let me go- under the impression we were friends, of course.
We went out to this little diner-type place, where I didn't know anybody, and neither did she. She had pancakes and I had some chicken-sammich thing. Yum. We kind of held hands a little over the table, which was amazingly cute. <3
Anyhow, we sat there talking for forty-five minutes. When the waitress took our plates, I actually ordered pie so we could sit longer. Three Cokes later, we left, giggling and smiling and just happy to be together.
We drove around for awhile, before going to my house and parking in the parking lot next door with the lights out. We sat there for a half-hour, just talking about everything. Finally, when we got to my house, we hugged goodbye. And then we hugged goodbye again. And just when I thought I would let go, I kissed her.
She had this beautiful little smile on her face when I let go, like she had a wonderful secret. I was just about to go into my house, and she kissed me back. I skipped up the steps, and looked back at her in the car, certain that there was never so beautiful a moment as watching her smile at me through the car window.
I've been in a little bit of a cloud this week, simmering on low, while I struggled to deal with the way I've been feeling about this other girl. She's really great- pretty, smart and funny- but I've come to the realization that really, she doesn't care about playing with my heart. I'm a game to her- a yoyo to bounce up and down, a fish to be reeled in and released with my heart yanked halfway out of my chest. No matter how good I am to her- no matter how many presents I give her or ways I show her that I love her, she'll never love me the way I love her. I'll always be her stupid little pet- her puppy dog that will follow her around no matter how many times she beats me.
I'm done following her. I love her. I love her. I love her. But I'm letting go. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep doing this to her. It's not healthy, and it's not sane.
I love her... but I love myself too. I'm worth something in this world- obviously, based on tonight alone, other people care. Other people LIKE ME.
I know it's cliche, but I think right now, I've got to say that Cher says it best. Go refresh your nineties souls.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5xsiKBJGW4
Goodnight beautifuls.
And to the beautiful mixtape, tonight was... breathtaking.
Thank you.
~disasters.bitch~

Changes.

Things have changed since I started this blog.
I'm single. Have been for a few months- just never published it. Being disaster's bitch has taken on a new meaning for me now- disaster seems to rule my life, more so than Zara ever did. I'm still a lesbian, but if I was in the closet before, I'm in a box in the closet now. I like it in here, most of the time... except, how many in-the-closet lesbians can find an interesting, eloquent, intelligent girlfriend who likes them back and wants a little house on the outskirts of a city with two gray kittens and black curtains?


Question: Why are girls so complicated?
My answer to myself: Girls are complicated for the same reason I am. Do I like it when other people expect me to be normal and sane? Obviously not... I'm talking to myself.

Question: Why not? I hear lots of perfectly sane people talk to themselves. Its like a commonplace thing nowadays.
My answer to myself: Commonplace or not, its still the first sign of insanity.

Question: Do you suffer from insanity?
My answer to myself: No... I enjoy every minute of it.



No, in all seriousness... Why are girls so complicated?
Here's my theory: we're complicated because we don't want anyone to understand us. We like that enigmatic feeling of being unknown. Not necessarily all the repercussions of being confusing- just the feeling of power that nobody will ever completely own us. Being confusing is our way of being our own person.

Next question... Why do girls drag us around?
I mean... I don't do it, do I? When I like someone, I commit. This is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life loving... at least until my heart becomes broken and I hate her guts. Is that wrong of me?



I mean... Its not like I have all that much to offer. I'm not that pretty and I can be a total freak sometimes. But I'm loyal and I have enough love to fuel a harem. I want my girlfriend to be happy- even if its without me.

However, right now, I'm on the rampage. The girl I love (that's right L-O-V-E) isn't ever going to like (that's L-I-K-E) me enough to take me seriously, even though I could take much better care of her and love her more than any of her one-week flings. Someday, though, she'll come to her senses. Maybe?

Or maybe you know, I'll end up with the same fucking broken heart I've had all along.

White Velvet

My best friend told me that last year. Apparently, her mother told her, which led her to, giggling her head off, tell it to me later.
I've been running it through my head a lot these past few days. Its slowly sunken in, swirling about in my dark mind, and I've come to a few conclusions about it.

1. Girls are like white velvet. Generally, we are stereotyped to be the cleaner sex... How often do you see a guy who gets picked on for smelling weird? How often for a girl? Girls are usually softer too... just in my experience.
2. Why are girls the ones who get ostracized for being touched? If a boy gets touched, he's a hero. >.<
3. When you touch white velvet, it doesn't always get dirty the first time. So I think a girl must be allowed to be touched a few times before this starts to really set in.Unless of course, you, like a girl at my school, allow the first time to be in the school's baseball dugout, and come to school with the evidence in your hair...

I guess you've gathered my thoughts- this quote sucks. People still want me... right? Each day, I am told that despite the curses I have thrown at myself, I am a coveted possession. A princess, a kitty, a vixen, and, to my Disaster, her little bitch.
Even angels lie sometimes. ;)
Talk to you later! Peace.
~disasters.bitch~

Dear Lovely Readers,

Firstly, I'd like to apologize for my username.
The profanity is not meant offensively, simply as a statement to who I am.
Now that I've cleared that up, today's ranting shall ensue.
Masks.
I absolutely adore masks. Why, you ask, are masks a good enough topic to write an entire entry about?
Lets start with the three types of mask-wearers:

1. People who want to attract attention to who they are, by pretending to be what they are obviously not. These include, but are not limited to:

• Children on Halloween.
• Bank Robbers
• Girls at Costume Parties

2. People who actually want to remain a secret:

• People at Masquerade Balls
• Bank Robbers

3. People whose masks aren't literal, but simply faces that they show the world:

• E-v-e-r-y-o-n-e

Shakespeare once said that the whole world is a stage, and all the people are players.

I say- All the world is a masquerade, and you never know who the hell you're talking to.

I am all three types of mask wearers- I am an actress, I am invisible, and wish to stay anonymous, and I am definately not open with the world at large. But I am willing to change.

So today, with my Brand New Blog, hereby refered to as DBB- Disaster's Bitch's Bitchings (Nice, right?) I AM DITCHING MY MASK. I am throwing myself a coming out party. I've finally taken the plunge(black fingernails), held my breath(ohmygod, people are never gonna read this...) and come out of my little dark closet. Byyy the way- Disaster is a girl. A really beautiful girl who constantly breaks my heart and almost never says she's sorry.

;) Goodnight Darlings.

Lots of Love,

~disasters.bitch~