X and O- a way to show, just how much I've really missed you...

Just got home from a spontaneous date with this beautiful girl I never thought would ever be interested in me. I got home at around five-thirty from rehearsal. I literally walked through the door, took off my shoes and my phone buzzed with a text consisting of two words: "Whatcha doin?" When I replied with a concise "About to fix myself some dinner. Why?" She proceeded to ask me out for dinner. Suprisingly, my mom let me go- under the impression we were friends, of course.
We went out to this little diner-type place, where I didn't know anybody, and neither did she. She had pancakes and I had some chicken-sammich thing. Yum. We kind of held hands a little over the table, which was amazingly cute. <3
Anyhow, we sat there talking for forty-five minutes. When the waitress took our plates, I actually ordered pie so we could sit longer. Three Cokes later, we left, giggling and smiling and just happy to be together.
We drove around for awhile, before going to my house and parking in the parking lot next door with the lights out. We sat there for a half-hour, just talking about everything. Finally, when we got to my house, we hugged goodbye. And then we hugged goodbye again. And just when I thought I would let go, I kissed her.
She had this beautiful little smile on her face when I let go, like she had a wonderful secret. I was just about to go into my house, and she kissed me back. I skipped up the steps, and looked back at her in the car, certain that there was never so beautiful a moment as watching her smile at me through the car window.
I've been in a little bit of a cloud this week, simmering on low, while I struggled to deal with the way I've been feeling about this other girl. She's really great- pretty, smart and funny- but I've come to the realization that really, she doesn't care about playing with my heart. I'm a game to her- a yoyo to bounce up and down, a fish to be reeled in and released with my heart yanked halfway out of my chest. No matter how good I am to her- no matter how many presents I give her or ways I show her that I love her, she'll never love me the way I love her. I'll always be her stupid little pet- her puppy dog that will follow her around no matter how many times she beats me.
I'm done following her. I love her. I love her. I love her. But I'm letting go. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep doing this to her. It's not healthy, and it's not sane.
I love her... but I love myself too. I'm worth something in this world- obviously, based on tonight alone, other people care. Other people LIKE ME.
I know it's cliche, but I think right now, I've got to say that Cher says it best. Go refresh your nineties souls.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5xsiKBJGW4
Goodnight beautifuls.
And to the beautiful mixtape, tonight was... breathtaking.
Thank you.
~disasters.bitch~

Tonight

Tonight has been one of the worst nights I've had in awhile.
I don't think I've ever been this hurt by someone.
I've come up with a whole collection of novel ways to hurt myself to cover the pain of her, such as scrubbing my face with alcohol pads (now raw).
My chest feels numb, like a stuffy nose.
My nose, on the other hand, is running like a faucet from all the crying.
My stomach is knotted and making sick, gurgling sounds, like it wants me to eat, but I can't think of anything I want to touch- food would be disgusting.
My skin all hurts and itches, and I just want to cut it all off- though I've realized that I've lost all feeling almost everywhere, because I suddenly looked down and realized my leg was bleeding- guess I walked into something. Don't really care.
I just want to stay in bed and never get up.
Fuck, I have to work tomorrow.
Great.
So my options seem to be kill myself or drown in this depression and die anyway.
I feel disgusting.
Why did I ever think someone as great as her would think twice about someone like me?
Someday, its going to hit me that I might not want her initials scarred into my skin, but right now, I feel like if I were allowed, I'd carve her full name- all fifteen letters and two spaces of it- into my most sensitive skin in caligraphy with a dull spoon.
Tomorrow, I'll work on being okay. Tonight... I just need to sleep and cry.

Changes.

Things have changed since I started this blog.
I'm single. Have been for a few months- just never published it. Being disaster's bitch has taken on a new meaning for me now- disaster seems to rule my life, more so than Zara ever did. I'm still a lesbian, but if I was in the closet before, I'm in a box in the closet now. I like it in here, most of the time... except, how many in-the-closet lesbians can find an interesting, eloquent, intelligent girlfriend who likes them back and wants a little house on the outskirts of a city with two gray kittens and black curtains?


Question: Why are girls so complicated?
My answer to myself: Girls are complicated for the same reason I am. Do I like it when other people expect me to be normal and sane? Obviously not... I'm talking to myself.

Question: Why not? I hear lots of perfectly sane people talk to themselves. Its like a commonplace thing nowadays.
My answer to myself: Commonplace or not, its still the first sign of insanity.

Question: Do you suffer from insanity?
My answer to myself: No... I enjoy every minute of it.



No, in all seriousness... Why are girls so complicated?
Here's my theory: we're complicated because we don't want anyone to understand us. We like that enigmatic feeling of being unknown. Not necessarily all the repercussions of being confusing- just the feeling of power that nobody will ever completely own us. Being confusing is our way of being our own person.

Next question... Why do girls drag us around?
I mean... I don't do it, do I? When I like someone, I commit. This is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life loving... at least until my heart becomes broken and I hate her guts. Is that wrong of me?



I mean... Its not like I have all that much to offer. I'm not that pretty and I can be a total freak sometimes. But I'm loyal and I have enough love to fuel a harem. I want my girlfriend to be happy- even if its without me.

However, right now, I'm on the rampage. The girl I love (that's right L-O-V-E) isn't ever going to like (that's L-I-K-E) me enough to take me seriously, even though I could take much better care of her and love her more than any of her one-week flings. Someday, though, she'll come to her senses. Maybe?

Or maybe you know, I'll end up with the same fucking broken heart I've had all along.